My advice for couples

When providing therapy to a couple, it is not just about the two people present. Their parents, step-parents, and childhood caregivers are also ‘in the room’, influencing the relationship in unseen ways.

Couples often carry patterns learned from early caregivers, affecting how they interact, without realising it.

Opposites don’t always attract. In fact, people are often drawn to partners with similar childhood wounds or traumas. But the way each person copes with those wounds can be very different.

This often leads to conflict rather than mutual healing. Understanding that your partner’s behaviour stems from their own unique experiences helps create empathy and reduces tension.

One concept that brought a lot of relief and laughter in my training was the idea that we are all fundamentally incompatible. It is unrealistic to expect your partner to handle well ALL of life’s changes – whether it’s raising children, managing finances, or dealing with stress – in the exact same way you do. When we do not acknowledge these differences, we might unconsciously try to change them, which can be counterproductive.

Instead, accepting incompatibilities and working through them can strengthen the relationship.